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Need Less and Have More
Energy drives us forward in our daily lives. Food and water provides us with some of that energy satisfying our physical needs. But we are more complex than that. We also have personal needs. What are personal needs? They are those things we must have to be our personal best. Just as our physical needs must be satisfied so too our personal needs are equally demanding. Identifying and satisfying ones needs is an important step in strengthening ones personal foundation.
Case Study 1
A newlywed spent the whole day cleaning the garage. He greeted his wife later in the day expecting to hear some sort of compliment on how organized everything was and how delighted she was that he had done it. Instead she began to talk about the events that had happened to her that day. Her husband was annoyed and remained somewhat cool and unresponsive while his wife continued to talk. Sulking, using sarcasm, and being aloof were some ways the man used to get what he wanted - appreciation. When all this failed he began to think that "If she really cared for me, she would understand what I need and give it to me." Working with his coach Jim was able to find comfortable ways to let his wife know what it was he really needed.
Case Study 2
Bill was a sales associate who always provided lots of extras for a customer. Bill's manager was concerned that Bill had not made his quota for six months. He knew Bill was working hard but could not understand why he was not closing business. The manager noted that presale activities were completed on a particular customer but Bill continued to spend time with the customer with no results. Bill's manager asked Bill what was preventing him from getting the sale? Bill's coach pointed out that each time Bill provided this customer with an added service, the customer let him know how grateful she was for all this work. Getting appreciation from the customer energized Bill so that he wanted to continue doing it. People who have not gotten their needs met often resort to indirect actions. With his coach Bill worked on less costly ways to get Bill's needs met.
What are some examples of other needs?
We have talked about a need for appreciation here but there are many other needs that people have. Other examples are to be heard, touched, respected, loved, cared about as well as a need for freedom, security, order. The Needless Program developed by Thomas Leonard and Coach University lists 200 different needs. I use this program with my coaching clients to help them identify their own unique needs. Admitting to our needs and becoming less embarrassed by them can result in a more confident self.
Tips and strategies for getting your needs met
Often people try to deny their needs or try to hide them. Discovering where the need came from and acknowledging it is one strategy to overcome it. Another way to address needs is to ask family and friends to help. The newlywed might tell his wife that he has a strong need to be appreciated. More than that he might have to specifically instruct her when and in what ways he needs to hear appreciation. It might take time to figure this out but it is certainly worth the effort. Bill cannot ask his customer to appreciate him more but he might ask his family and friends to do it. Another strategy is to become more aware of satisfying our needs so that we do not discount a caring comment from a friend. Not every need requires another person to help satisfy it. Someone with a need for structure could build a schedule into his/her own life that would satisfy that need. If the need is for quiet and peace, taking time to meditate might be a solution.
Whatever the source, needs are present in us all and must be addressed. The sooner we come to terms with them the sooner we can have the freedom to choose the life we really want to lead.