September 2006
My Challenge
Wouldn’t you know it? While I wrote my top ten list for Parker’s Points this month (Ten Tips to Help You in Your Pursuit of Happiness) I was being challenged in my own pursuit of happiness!
It all started with a plastic soda bottle that fell out of the refrigerator and hit my mother in the shin. It left a bruise and a small cut which at the time seemed pretty trivial even though painful. Unfortunately that bruise developed into an infection that had to be treated with intravenous antibiotics and then opened and drained. Since my mother is 92 and a diabetic she had to be hospitalized for the procedure.
Two days after she left the hospital for her leg she developed a backache. Five days later the pain was so excruciating she screamed every time she changed positions. Sitting or lying down – both were unbelievably painful for her. I called 911. Another hospitalization!
How do you remain upbeat and happy under these circumstances? I must admit that I am a natural pessimist and it takes a lot of conscious effort on my part to pull myself out of this pessimism. Some people are naturally optimistic but I am not one.
Optimists are always fun to be around. As a natural pessimist I am aware that in order for me to be fun to be around I need to consciously choose to be optimistic. That is where my list comes in!
Do I want to give up my pessimism? No. I believe it is there for a reason – perhaps part of my purpose in life. Here is what Martin Seligman, the psychologist who has studied happiness, says about his own natural pessimism.
"I think only a pessimist can write and do serious stuff about optimism. The skills I talk about I use every day. What I’ve become is what I call a "flexible optimist." I can recognize the situations which call for optimism, and the situations which don’t call for optimism need a mercilessly realistic view of what’s going to happen. When I make that separation, if it’s one of the many situations in which the optimism skills are going to pay off, then I throw in my whole complement of optimism skills. It makes me better able to initiate different projects. But when I’m in a situation in which the cost of failure is very high, then what I want is merciless realism. In that case I revert to my usual "four in the morning" pessimism.”
Some occupations just naturally require you use "merciless realism". Those that I can think of off hand would be lawyers, engineers, scientists. That critical thinking and analysis is important to what they do. If you are in an occupation that requires being realistic or being a problem solver and you see that the pessimism spills over into your personal life, then try focusing on becoming a "flexible optimist" by using my ten tips.
In my own case one of my mother’s friends said to me after my mother had been admitted to the hospital the second time, that I should be grateful for the fact that my mother was in good hands and that she was at last comfortable (on heavy duty drugs!)
That got me thinking about my list. I realized I needed to choose
optimism here. Mom’s vital signs had stayed good even though
she is a diabetic with a heart condition. This was a good sign.
We had every reason to believe that the source of the pain could
be found and addressed.
Four days later we were told she had a compression fracture of the
spine. Oh yes, did I say she also has Osteoporosis too? Six days
later she had a vertebralplasty, a relatively new procedure in which
they inject "glue" into the fracture to hold it together
and lessen the pain. Eight days later she came home. The only pain
medication she was taking was Tylenol. I feel grateful for her return
to good health. My optimism is back!
Take Action:
- Are you an optimist? Take this assessment to find out. http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/
- Read Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. The assessment is also in this book.
- Ben Dean has a website called Coaching Toward Happiness. Sign up on the site for his free newsletter and stay current on the topic of happiness.