June 2003
Perfectionism-Can it be a good thing?
Last month I wrote an article on accomplishing goals. As most of you know I think it is very important to have goals and to work toward them. The article inspired one reader to write the following:
"I am still bothered when people call me a perfectionist. In school, people call my daughters perfectionists too. The inference is, you are wrong to work so hard on a project getting all the details right. Why can't you be mediocre like the rest of us?
In sports, we are allowed to be perfectionists -- that's called the motivation to win. A coach who doesn't win (makes mistakes) can be fired. As a woman not in sports, my same drive is seen as a negative. So the next time someone calls me a perfectionist, I am going to respond: "Yes, I see myself as someone who is motivated to win.""
What does it mean when others label you a perfectionist? Is it a compliment? One of the definitions in the dictionary for perfectionism is “A propensity for setting extremely high standards and being displeased with anything else.” As the writer points out this is acceptable in sports. Tiger Woods sets extremely high standards for himself and isn’t satisfied with anything but excellence.
Yet the writer says that others see perfectionism as something negative. Like all strengths there can be a point at which it does in fact become a weakness.
A person may perform the functions of a job with a vision of the "perfect" way to perform or the "perfect" outcome of the work. If perfecting the work and progressing toward that standard gives someone pleasure and energy then it is healthy for him/her to continue.
The problem arises if the person starts to think of nothing else. He/she starts to exclude everything else in his/her life then it might be time to question the perfectionism. In fact to me the word perfectionism connotes that sort of obsessive behavior. My dictionary did not state this however.
Similarly if a person is working on a project and trying to get a "perfect" outcome, he/she can work at it and change their methodology sort of like a scientist with an experiment. If it starts to take over the person’s life then again the person has to question whether this is really what he/she wants to that.
The answer might in fact be that is exactly what that person wants to do. At least then it is a conscious choice. You have to want to change the perfectionist pattern in order to do something about it.
Someone else can ask you if you think you have some perfectionist tendencies but you are the only one who knows for sure. If people label you a perfectionist in a negative way it says more about the people who say it than it does about you.
Finally she says that people call her daughters perfectionists too. With children there is always the possibility that they are working toward someone else’s standard and not their own. Do they want to continue working on the project or skill? Is there some outside threat that makes them anxious about their performance?
We have all heard about stage mothers and parents who want their children to excel at a sport. Encouraging them to do these things is wonderful. Forcing them to do them is not.
One danger in being a perfectionist is demanding it in others. It is the person themselves who decides if the standard is worth working toward. (They make the choice.) Setting perfection as a standard for someone else is not fair. Children whose parents set perfectionist standards for them often later in life feel that they are not good enough.
Talented people are often labeled perfectionists. They could be
scientists, great sports figures, or performers who devote all their
waking hours to working on a problem or perfecting their craft to
the exclusion of everything else. And who is to say that a life
so far out of balance wasn’t just right for them? The next
time you are working on something that is consuming most of your
time ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is this important to me?
2. Would I rather be somewhere else?
3. Are there parts of my life that I am ignoring? Is that important
to me?
4. What and who are my priorities? Am I living a life that takes
my priorities into account?
If you have a sense of dissatisfaction with your life as it is,
it is up to you to change it. Working with a coach can help you
clarify what your priorities are. The coach can then help you plan
a way to make your life reflect your priorities.